Old Life vs. New Life

So, this picture was taken this past weekend at my husband's 30th birthday party. That's me in the middle (with him of course) surrounded by all my girls. It was a great night, filled with all the usual activity associated with parties: friends, music, booze, grilling, bags, tiki torches, tobacco...you get the picture. Almost ALL of our friends, old and new, were there and it was a great night. But what made this night different from all the other parties that we have attended in the past...our two small girls were also there to celebrate. So, of course, being the good wife I am, I let my hubby get completely "happy" while I ran around like crazy all night entertaining guests and kids alike.

"Why aren't you drinking?" inquired various single, childless friends throughout the night? Well, where do I start??? Let's see: My seven-month-old still gets up at 5 am for a feeding, both girls are up for the day by 8 am leaving no sleep-in time for me (especially because I knew my hubby would be completely incapacitated), and I do not have the option of auto-pilot when both kids are constantly demanding me to be ever-present in their very busy lives. :) So, I don't think a hangover would be a smart choice...

This got me thinking of the profound changes that have taken place in my life over the past 4 years. Because certainly, 4 years ago, I would have been the life of the party :) So what happened I wonder? Did pregnancy & childbirth forever alter my genetic make-up to the point that drunkenness is not even appealing? Am I so tired from the constant demands of 2 small children that there is simply no energy left for frivolous endeavors? Or have I changed so much that I no longer resemble the fun-loving, carefree, up-for-anything, girl of my "youth"? I certainly don't feel like that girl anymore...and I wonder if she's just hibernating or if she's truly, sadly gone forever...

The funny thing about the previous statement is that I still consider myself young...and maybe that's part of the source of my angst. At 24 I was married, had my first baby at 25 and my second at 28. I am a 24/7 mom, immersed in diapers, giggling, silly talk, discipline, occasional whining, and the overwhelming responsibility that I am raising two other human beings. Yet, everything around me screams that I should still be out partying, buying cute clothes and expensive makeup, traveling and doing whatever necessary in the name of bettering MYSELF. Because that's what people do when they're my age. Even some friends that I have who are mothers quickly returned to work after the birth of their babies and continued to work on their careers. In this age of endless fertility options, many women are waiting until the very last of their fertile years to have children...and then most of them (80%) return to work and leave the kids behind for someone else to take care of. But I made the conscious choice not to do that...and now I'm really wondering where my place in this crazy world is. Yes, I know there are other stay-at-home moms and yes I know I could join a play group. Sounds thrilling doesn't it??? Another place where I can go and talk about kids the whole time, all the while forgetting more and more of who I used to be. WOW! SIGN ME UP! :)

I guess I'm just stuck in this place...where I'm not really sure which end is up. I will never EVER regret my decision to stay home and be the one taking care of my children and I thank God everyday that I have the opportunity to do so because I know many people do not...and when I reflect back on how much my life has changed in the past 4 years, well...I'm both ecstatic and saddened. I am so blessed with what God has given me...but I wonder if I will ever again feel that amazing feeling of freedom that I did in my early 20's? Why do we only feel youthful if we are partaking in what popular culture tells us we need to be doing? Going against the grain is certainly challenging...but I guess that's a subject for another blog :)